Meditation

Today I recorded 30 minutes of silence, apart from the part where a friend/neighbour of mine barged in unapologetically, did what she came to do (something to do with a key that could absolutely have waited a few hours, or days), said what she had to say and took off.

Even before she came in I had a hard time settling, centering. I was distracted and more focused on trying to meditate than really meditating. 

When she entered I opened my eyes but tried not to move. I did end up answering her though, and didn't manage to stay comfortably silent as yesterday's lesson had advised.

After she closed the door behind her I sat a little longer but was even more distracted than before. I kept thinking of how rudely she came in, with no regard for my private quiet time (she meditates too so I thought she would know better). It really felt like an intrusion (my need for boundaries and respect of my privacy is quite high these days, it's THE issue I'm working on). 

But, as I was indeed sitting there meditating, I kept observing my thoughts. I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right with her behaviour, but I was trying to let go of the fact that I felt disturbed and disrespected, to try and go beyond that. I was trying to let go of what I was feeling to try and connect to what she might be feeling. I ended up thinking that if she came and see me for a trivial reason maybe her need to be heard was greater than her need to respect my privacy (which I know she has). At some point I just stopped trying anything and thinking altogether, and let go. I wasn't completely serene and felt like I should sit a bit longer but I decided to get up anyway. I went to see her but she wasn't available. I sat down to write, and opened myself to welcome her if she came back. And indeed she did, and she talked, and I listened.

I could have considered her needs more important than mine (as I would in the past, it was my signature move), and come out of my meditation entirely as soon as she entered the room the first time.

I could have continued fixating on how disrespectful her behaviour felt to me and get angry at her, and then at myself for getting angry at her (frustration and guilt, also great moves of mine).

I could have considered my needs more important than hers and lock my door to her to take the time to find my quiet. 

I'm happy that I was able to consider both our needs important, and go beyond my direct emotional reaction, to connect with her and be able to be there for her, having taken the time to be there for myself first. 

I think today's lesson is that no matter where you're at, no matter how people come on to you, you can find a way to be there for you and for them, if you manage to get quiet enough and connect to the needs, and not the form they take.

Every interaction is an act of love, wether it be giving it, or asking for it. Even violence and aggressiveness are just ways for some people to exist, to be noticed, to express themselves. If you can find it in you to see beyond that first impression, you will always find that deep down we're all the same and all want the same things. We just have different ways of experiencing and expressing it.

Let's see what tomorrow brings !